by Joseph Rossi
Childhood nostalgia goes right down the toilet…
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were part of my childhood. I had all the toys, watched the TV show, bought the comics and loved the first movie. When I heard that Michael Bay was producing a reboot I groaned. Why Michael Bay? He’ll throw his usual bombastic shtick into the pot and ruin what was once perfect. But I gave the benefit of the doubt and had to watch the movie before I deem it to be good or bad. After watching TMNT, I can say that this is a horrid excuse to milk toy money from young children. This is not a film. It’s a toy commercial.
The film loosely (and I mean that ) follows the same structure as all the previous forms of turtle mythology. 4 turtles were genetically mutated into 6 foot, street talking reptiles who practice the art of the ninja with a wise, 4 foot tall rat named Splinter. This isn’t for the art house crowd if you get my drift.
The turtles are done with their training and are about to help NYC get rid of the criminal clan known as the Foot which is lead by an evil swiss army knife named Shredder. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry, your kids will. Enter reporter April O’Niel, played by Megan Fox, who tries to expose the Foot and ends up befriending the turtles after she gets in to deep.
Simple enough but it takes three writers to spin this yarn that only lasts 90 minutes. And with three credited, professional screenwriters, no one has anything smart to say. I’m not saying that we need Shakespeare level dialogue here but it would be nice if some characters would say something other then exposition. The film is directed like a music video on acid by Johnaton Liebseman. I miss the dark but stoic nature of Steve Barron’s 1991 film. Here we get fast cuts and cheap effects gimmicks to satisfy todays internet savvy youth market.
The turtles are the best thing about the film. They stay true to their characters. The humans suffer greatly. Megan Fox proves that she stop acting. Every time she’s on screen running and jumping and screaming, it reminds me of a Transformers movie. Will Arnett is here, doing nothing but spout one liners that aren’t funny. Whoppii Goldberg shows up with a new wig for no reason. William Fichtner, the great character actor, is here, hamming it up as one of the baddies with horrid dialogue.
This is one of the worst films of the year so It will make money and spawn sequels.
